Why is asking for help difficult for me?
Someone needs help, so you find time. When things are difficult for you, you say, “I will manage.” Then you finish everything in the evening, at the expense of sleep or rest.
You think about asking someone. But immediately a thought appears: “I will not bother them. They have their own things to deal with.” You do not ask, although help would be very useful.
What stops you? Fear that someone will refuse? Judge you? Or agree but hold it against you later?
If you know such reactions from past experiences, it is difficult to forget them. Still, look at the person you want to approach now. How do they respond to your needs? Do they take them seriously?
Start with a specific request.
“Could you collect my child on Thursday?”
“Do you have a moment today? I need to talk.”
If you do not need advice, say that too. “I want to tell you what is happening. I am not expecting a solution.” This helps avoid a conversation that leaves you with a list of tasks rather than support.
Someone may refuse. They have no time, are tired or have other commitments. You can then ask someone else. You do not have to decide immediately that asking was a mistake.
Also notice whether you give someone a chance to answer. Sometimes, immediately after asking, you add, “Never mind, I will manage somehow.” You withdraw before hearing the response.
When someone agrees, you do not have to offer something in return immediately. You can thank them and accept the help.
You do not have to wait until you have no energy left for anything. You can ask for support while you are still managing but it is costing you too much.
Hanna Swierczewska
Psychologist, psychotraumatologist, psycho-oncologist
If you would like to talk about your situation, you are welcome to book an online consultation.
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