I love you, but I'm leaving. A relationship in which I give up myself
You still love this person. You enjoy mornings together and remember good conversations. You want closeness. At the same time, you increasingly see how many things that matter to you you are giving up.
You avoid certain topics. Cancel a meeting to prevent complaints. Put off your plans because the other person's matters are more important now. When someone asks what you want, answering is difficult.
Your emotions also become difficult for the other person. When you talk about sadness, anger or fear, you meet impatience. You hear that you are overreacting or making a problem again. So you speak about them less and less. You withdraw, although you still need a conversation.
You can explain each decision. Over time, however, you notice that you give way almost always.
In a relationship, we take the other person's needs into account. The question is whether there is room for yours too. Does compromise involve both people? Can you refuse, have a different opinion and do things separately?
If expressing a need leads to lengthy explanations, it is worth looking at what happens between you. Does the other person try to understand? Or does the conversation end with you apologising simply for raising the matter?
Sometimes acknowledging your own fatigue is difficult because there are still good moments. You think that if you love them, you should keep trying. You do not want to dismiss your years together.
Love matters when making a decision. How you live in this relationship day to day matters too.
Look at what happened after previous conversations. Did the other person's behaviour change? Do your agreements still apply when the next conflict arises?
Deciding to leave can be difficult precisely because the feeling remains. After separating, you may feel longing, grief and an urge to get in touch. Longing alone does not determine whether returning would be good for you.
You do not have to prove the other person is bad to take your own experience seriously. It is worth naming what you no longer accept and what you need to stay in the relationship.
If you are thinking of leaving, talk to someone who can help you consider the situation calmly. If there are threats or violence, seek support and a safe separation plan.
“I love you, but I am leaving” does not mean everything was untrue. It means that, despite your feelings, you do not want to keep living this way.
Hanna Swierczewska
Psychologist, psychotraumatologist, psycho-oncologist
If you would like to talk about your situation, you are welcome to book an online consultation.
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