I want to be understood. How do I communicate what I need?
You describe a difficult day. The other person immediately suggests solutions. You need them to listen for a moment. Instead of relief, you feel frustrated.
“You do not understand me.” They respond, “I am only trying to help.”
Both people have a different idea of the conversation. It is worth saying what you need before you begin arguing about how to help.
“I want to tell you what happened. I do not need advice right now.”
That is specific information. It does not guarantee the other person will react as you expect. It does, however, make your request easier to understand.
The same applies to things that bother you. “You never listen to me” is hard to relate to one situation. “When you look at your phone while we talk, I find it hard to continue. Could you put it down for a moment?” identifies what is happening and what you are asking for.
Notice whether you describe behaviour or assign an intention. “You did not reply” and “You do not care about me” do not mean the same thing. In the second sentence, you treat your interpretation as a fact.
Ask before drawing a conclusion. Also say how the situation affected you.
Communication also requires listening. Are you waiting for an answer or already preparing further arguments? Do you check what the other person means?
“I understand you need to rest today. Do you also mean that we should postpone the conversation?”
A question like that clarifies something that would otherwise remain a guess.
You do not have to discuss every difficulty at once. Choose one matter. If the conversation needs a break, agree on when you will return to it.
Not every difficulty comes from poorly chosen words. If someone repeatedly ridicules your needs, ignores your refusal or makes threats, the problem requires a broader assessment than practising communication.
After the conversation, check what you have agreed. Do both people understand the agreement in the same way? Is it clear what happens next? Saying many words does not always mean reaching an understanding.
Hanna Swierczewska
Psychologist, psychotraumatologist, psycho-oncologist
If you would like to talk about your situation, you are welcome to book an online consultation.
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