How do I say that something isn't okay with me?
You agree to a favour even though you do not have time. You hear a comment that hurts, but you do not respond. Later, you revisit the conversation and wonder why you said nothing again.
It is not always about lacking words. You know what to say, but you fear the reaction. Someone will take offence. An argument will start. You will hear that you are overreacting or making a problem.
It is particularly hard to tell someone you care about. You want a good relationship with them. But keeping quiet does not mean the matter stops bothering you.
Start with something specific. Instead of explaining the whole history of the relationship, refer to what has just happened.
“It is not okay with me when you change our arrangements without talking to me.”
Or, more briefly: “I do not want comments like that.”
When saying no, you do not need to explain everything either. “I cannot take care of that today. I have other plans” is an answer. You do not have to prove your plans are important enough.
If someone says, “It was only a joke,” you do not have to argue about their intentions. You can stand by your response: “That joke is not okay with me.”
You will not always be able to respond immediately. You can return to the conversation the next day. “I want to come back to what was said yesterday. I do not want you to speak to me like that.”
Notice what happens afterwards. Does the other person take your words into account? Or do they keep doing the same thing while you wonder, once again, how to explain it better?
How you communicate matters. It does not guarantee that someone will respect your refusal. Not everything depends on how you choose your words.
If you fear threats or violence, prioritise safety and support. You do not have to have this conversation on your own.
To begin, choose one matter you usually keep quiet about. Say specifically what is not okay with you. Without apologising simply for having a different opinion.
Hanna Swierczewska
Psychologist, psychotraumatologist, psycho-oncologist
If you would like to talk about your situation, you are welcome to book an online consultation.
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