I'm afraid to say how I feel because I don't know how you'll react
Before a conversation, you wonder what mood the other person is in. You choose your words carefully. You drop the subject if you notice impatience. You want to say something, but you are more concerned about what will happen afterwards.
If a close relationship involved violence, threats or repeated harm, this caution may have helped you avoid another difficult situation. The problem is that sometimes it remains even after that relationship has ended.
With someone else, you still find it hard to speak freely. A raised voice makes you tense. You start explaining yourself, even though no one has accused you of anything. It is hard to believe that a misunderstanding does not have to end in humiliation or a threat.
We use the term relational trauma when someone experiences harm in a relationship with another person, often someone close. It describes experiences and their effects. In itself, it is not a diagnosis of PTSD or complex PTSD.
Not every argument means trauma. Fear of someone's reaction alone is not enough to make a diagnosis either. We need to look at what happened, how long it lasted and how it affects your life now.
It also matters what your current relationship is like. Can you say no? Does the other person accept your opinion without ridicule or threats? Do they take responsibility for their behaviour?
We should not explain every concern by the past. If someone is still hurting you, the problem is not only that you find it hard to trust.
During a consultation, we can look at both issues: earlier experiences and what is happening now. You do not have to talk about everything at the first meeting.
If violence is ongoing, you need safety and support first. You are not obliged to confront the other person on your own or find words that will make them stop hurting you.
Hanna Swierczewska
Psychologist, psychotraumatologist, psycho-oncologist
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