I'm supporting a loved one through illness. It's difficult for me too
You keep track of appointments. You collect medication, do the shopping and check what needs arranging. When someone asks how you are, you talk about the person who is ill. You say little about yourself.
You think it is not appropriate to complain now. You are not the one undergoing treatment. You put off rest and your own matters because there is always something more urgent.
Over time, concentrating becomes harder. You sleep worse. A small matter makes you angry, then you blame yourself. You want to help, but you no longer have as much energy.
Being tired does not mean you care less. Anger or a need to leave the house does not mean a lack of concern. Supporting someone through illness takes time and effort. You need support too.
Look at your responsibilities. Which things require your involvement? What could someone else take on? You do not have to wait until one person agrees to do everything.
Ask for something specific.
“I need someone to take Mum to her examination on Thursday.”
“Could you do the shopping for the next two weeks?”
Agree on who is responsible for each task. A general “we will all help” does not say who will collect the medication while you are at work.
If your loved one needs continuous care, arrange someone to take over while you rest. Ask the treatment team about available support. A family cannot meet every need on its own.
Make space for a conversation that does not focus only on the person who is ill. Choose someone you can tell about your own fear, helplessness or fatigue. Psycho-oncological support is also available to loved ones.
If insomnia, tension or low mood persist and make functioning difficult, seek help.
Your needs do not stop mattering when someone close to you is ill. It is worth planning rest as specifically as the next appointment.
Hanna Swierczewska
Psychologist, psychotraumatologist, psycho-oncologist
If you would like to talk about your situation, you are welcome to book an online consultation.
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