Everyone says: don't give up. But I need to say I'm afraid
You want to explain what worries you before another examination. You hear, “You must think positively.” The conversation ends before you manage to say what you fear.
Loved ones want to encourage you. They do not always know how to respond to fear. They reassure you that things will be fine because it is difficult to accept that they do not know the answer themselves.
You do not know either. You fear the result, pain or the next stage of treatment. You need to talk about it, rather than hear that you should change your attitude.
Fear does not mean giving up treatment. Anger does not mean a lack of gratitude for help. A worse day is not proof that you are not trying hard enough.
There is no convincing evidence that a positive attitude alone determines survival from cancer. Do not burden yourself with responsibility for the course of the illness because of what you feel.
If optimism helps you, you do not have to abandon it. If you do not feel it today, you do not have to pretend.
Tell someone close what you need.
“I know you want to reassure me. Right now, I need you to listen to what I am afraid of.”
Or: “I am not expecting reassurance that everything will be fine. I want to be able to say that things are difficult.”
Not everyone can have this kind of conversation. It is worth finding someone with whom you do not have to change the subject immediately. This could be a loved one, a psycho-oncologist or a support group, if that format suits you.
If fear affects sleep, everyday functioning or participation in treatment, tell the treatment team. You then need an assessment and appropriate help.
Support should not require you to reassure everyone around you. A conversation about your illness also needs space for what you really want to say.
Hanna Swierczewska
Psychologist, psychotraumatologist, psycho-oncologist
If you would like to talk about your situation, you are welcome to book an online consultation.
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