A loved one has cancer. What can you say without adding to their burden?
You want to call, but put the phone down. You do not know where to begin. You fear asking the wrong question or crying during the conversation.
You do not need a sentence that will make everything better. Start with what you can honestly say.
“I do not know what to say. I want to stay in touch. Do you feel like talking today?”
If you hear “I am afraid,” do not immediately respond, “There is nothing to fear.” Ask, “What are you most afraid of right now?” Listen to the answer before looking for a solution.
Do not promise that treatment will definitely succeed. You do not know the outcome. Say what you will do: “I will take you to your appointment on Friday” or “I will call this evening if you would like.”
Instead of a general “Let me know if you need anything,” offer specific help. Shopping, a meal, collecting a child or looking after a pet. Ask whether it would be useful. A refusal does not mean rejecting you.
Do not send stories about other patients, supplement advice or further treatment methods without asking. Good intentions are not enough if the other person does not want that information. Medical decisions belong to them and their treatment team.
Not every conversation has to concern illness. Ask about a film, a book or ordinary everyday matters. Do not stop inviting them beforehand. Let your loved one decide what they want and have the energy for.
Respect silence too. A short message such as “I am thinking of you. You do not have to reply now” does not require a report on how they feel.
If you say something unhelpful, return to it. “I wanted to help, but I started trying to persuade you too quickly. I want to listen.”
Support means checking what this person needs today. What helped a week ago may now feel tiring. Ask and keep your commitments.
Hanna Swierczewska
Psychologist, psychotraumatologist, psycho-oncologist
If you would like to talk about your situation, you are welcome to book an online consultation.
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